Where Kowalski burns steak and Private is a girl
by Alphonse Elric is a Cat Lover
Summary: You know the story. You watched the movie. Now let's see if you can read some partially ironic stories from a partially ironic writer. The story line's the same, just imagine it twisted to a more...realistic way. , No ones life is the same, now that the penguins live in the real world completing their job as they do in the Madagascar franchise, except...as humans. T just in case.
1. Chapter 1 Private and the shoes dilemma

Lewis- Private, age 12

James- Skipper, age 34

Other: So Skipper's sister Catherine is married to Kowalski's brother Jack. (They are both dead) Lewis is their son, and his middle name is Private. Ps: they refer to each other by their 'rank' names on the mission. I just wanted to keep the relationships realistic. There's only so much I can stretch to real life to make everything fit.

Summary: James is irritated at Lewis for him ruining his shoes again after a mission, but really, it's not his fault his body's underdeveloped. :P (And trust me, it's not as wrong as it sounds)

* * *

"…Lewis, what's wrong with your shoes?" James pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to contain his anger. For goodness sakes, it was the 4th time this week that it happened!

The 5 ft 3 12 year old with wide baby blue eyes and tousled black hair that reached past his forhead, who seemed small in comparison to his quite buff, military serviced guardian, cowered under the larger man's intimidating gaze and decided to focus on his torn sneakers instead.

James W. Skipper, clad in a button down shirt, dress pants, boots, and a dark black jacket, ran a hand through his gelled back hair to keep from letting some stray strands fall over his ice blue eyes, let out a deep sigh.

James was not angry because of his late sister's son irresponsibility to care for his shoes during missions, but he was more irritated at himself for not buying him stronger shoes, so he couldn't really blame the boy if his shoes did get ruined all the time…

On a random burst of courage, Lewis cried out in a high voice, interlaced with a light British accent, "But it not's my fault you won't buy me a pair of those boots Kowalski and Rico have," which earned him a sharper glare from his guardian.

"Lewis," He began in a dark voice, said 12 year old returned a fearful cringe at James's warning tone. "You know we don't have any military boots in your size…"

It was true that Lewis's size of shoe was barely over the one of a teenage girl, so the only thing that could fit him was a pair of men's sneakers. Clearly all the 'sophisticated' shoes were meant for those within the size of something absurd like 12 or 15.

That wasn't going to work with Lewis's shoe size, so they had to go with the next best thing, a pair of running shoes, which the two had discovered after 3 days that they weren't going to work on the missions, considering how easily they fell apart…But it's not like they had any other choice.

After all, they were pretty sure woman's shoes wouldn't work, or Lewis wearing a pair of boots 5 times his size…Thanks to Marlene, those were some of the many ideas put to action. Afterwards, the team actually realized how stupid the whole suggestion was.

They did take it from some ordinary civilian, so they couldn't really blame her for what happened in the aftermath.

"You could always just order a pair in his size..."Kowalski pointed out after Private left to change his sneakers, his glasses clad eyes hidden behind his neat parted dark brown hair and brown clipboard. Skipper whipped around to face his lieutenant, who was sitting coyly at the dining room table working on a new math experiment, with an annoyed glare, "Shut up, Kowalski, I have it everything under control," He retorted, but then added as an after thought in an quiet, embarressed whisper, "Besides, you know how much those custom orders cost..."

The 34 year old covered his ashamed blush behind his metal coffee mug, pretending to take a sip as Kowalski just nodded at him with that stupid knowing smirk on his face.

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**O.o I didn't realize Skipper was such a cheapskate... **

**Btw, the things that happened- Women's shoes, Private tripped and twisted his ankle; they had to cut the mission short and carry him back to base. Wearing bigger shoes, the shoes fell off while running, causing him, once again, to make another face plant on the concrete.**

**It's short, but I'm just trying to start out small. Please review and give me some more ideas! :D**

**Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2 Uncle Nigel's coming to visit!

"Skipper, guess what?" Lewis's voice was excited, and his happiness was clearly shown on his face. James gave him an annoyed glare, sipping his coffee with much strain. Even leaders as great and strong as him had their tiring days, but the young teen was in too much of a rush to notice by his guardian's lack of an answer. "Uncle Nigel's coming!" He enthused, throwing his hands in the ear, almost throwing James out of his seat, with a huge smile on his face. After James resituated himself in his chair, he began the rub his forehead in exhaustion, peeking out from under his hand at Lewis with half-opened eyes. "Okay…?" He spoke with a rough, uninterested voice. The 12 year old pouted at his guardian with wide baby blue eyes, James groaning at the sight and dropping his head on dining table, his icy blues hiding away from Lewis's. He hated that face. When he felt a soft jabbing in his shoulder, the 34 year old flipped his head over to glare at his godson. "Alright, this uncle of yours…He's related to Kowalski, right?" He might as well get it over with; he sure as hell knew that his godson was not going to stop bothering him until he asked. Lewis gave him a genuine smile, and explained, "Uncle Nigel is Kowalski's uncle, but I just called him uncle, he lives out in the country, and he's coming to visit me." James rolled his eyes again. Just what he needed today; in-laws coming to visit. "Kowalski!" He shouted out, his voice echoing throughout the house. "Your uncle's coming to visit!" He plopped his head back on the table as Lewis uncovered his ears quickly.

In Less than 2 seconds later, a tall lanky figure burst through the kitchen door leading to the hallway containing the team's living quarters, with a stack of messy papers toppling all over the floor. James and Lewis stared at the genius with curiosity; he really was quite a sight. His clothes were a mess, his hair was all over the face, and his glasses were falling halfway off his face. Lewis could hardly contain himself from laughing and James just lifted up an inquiring eyebrow, but the genius was not amused. Kowalski marched right up into his leader's face with an angry glare and growled out, "What did you say?"

James was not in the mood to argue, so he just nonchalantly waved his hand at the private, taking another sip of his now-cold coffee. "Your uncle Nigel's coming to visit…" He mumbled out, rolling his eyes. Kowalski throw his head back and groaned manically and threw all the papers on the ground in frustration (they think) and ran out of the kitchen. Lewis and James stared at each other in surprise. "What was that all about?" James wondered, staring at the kitchen doorway where Kowalski once stood. Lewis shrugged. "Maybe he doesn't like Uncle Nigel," he suggested. James just looked at the 12 year old boy. "I wouldn't have ever guessed," He retorted dryly, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Lewis gave his guardian a glare in annoyance.

The 34 year old looked away. "So, how bad is he?" he asked, curiously.

Lewis pursed his lips. "Who? Uncle Nigel?" James nodded.

The teen smiled sheepishly. "I, uh actually haven't met him yet."

James narrowed his eyes at the raven haired boy. "Then why are you so excited about him coming?"

Lewis just shrugged and walked out of the kitchen, heading for Kowalski's bedroom. "Where you going?" His guardian called fully-alert now. Lewis poked his head back into the kitchen. "To ask Kowalski bout his uncle, I wonder why he got so upset, though…." James smiled and nodded at him. "Remember to tell him to come back and pick these papers up…don't want them scattered all day across the kitchen floor." And with that, he laid his head back on the table in exhaustion, not noticing that Lewis was already gone.

**Yes this chapter is short, but I'm tired and I really want to hold to my update daily statement…so here you go, hoped you enjoyed. Please review about what you think, any ideas welcome. Thanks for reading this far! (If anyone did…) Maybe I'll correct it tomorrow…(And sorry I haven't mentioned Rico yet) You know, I feel kind of bad cutting it here, so I'll add something real quick:**

Rico slouched lazily across the soft blue couch, his jet-black Mohawk gently brushing against a small throw pillow. He flipped through the channels, but not finding anything he liked and shut the TV off with an audible click. He sat up, hastily, after hearing some shouting coming from the kitchen. The 29 year old poked his head out from behind the couch. "Was gon' on?" He called out, his voice rough. He was born with a talking disability, but his team didn't seem to mind, they always knew what he was saying. He noticed his bulky leader, who they sometimes called Skipper, his nickname; shake his head at him, like telling him not to worry about it.

He glanced at the small and skinny 12 year old boy nicknamed Private, his real name Lewis (Lewis is Rico's nephew) but he just shrugged. Rico gave up on finding out, his team was clearly not going to tell him, and he collapsed his weight back on the couch. He felt a sudden warmness on his stomach, and once noticing it was there cat, Jiggles, he pet her, trying not to crush the poor cat in his hand. Rico always had uncontrollable strength. In his team, he was called the weapons expert, as he could practically bring out any weapon from thin air. It was useful…but other times it wasn't.

He scratched the cat behind the ears. He loved his life. They were a bickering family, every single day full of action and drama. And that's exactly how he liked them.

**YaYYYYY I ALMOsT BROKE ONE THOUSAND WOOOOOOORDDDDDDDDDDDsSS! I feel crazy, but I broke over 1000 words now. **


	3. Chapter 3 Minis

I'm so lazy today and it's really hot and I wanna go outside, I'm gonna write a shorter chapter. I'm really sorry, but I have some really funny paragraph shorts that I wanna put here. Btw thank you so much for all the reviews! I know I thanked you all personally already, but I'm really really happy I have 6 reviews already, and I only posted the chapter on Wednesday…And I know I've been really selfish, asking you all for ideas….But this the first PoM fanfic I wrote and I just want suggestions and requests. I'll write any pairing, any character to the best of my ability. Remember, this a story for you.

Alwaysremainme: That's really funny about your cat…I remember reading in All's fair in Love and War (it's a humanized PoM fanfic, u should really check it out!) that Jiggles was a dog, so I just wanted to change it up a bit…I was even thinking about making him a hamster or a fish…Anyway I just thought Jiggles would really fit as a cat, as Kowalski the science genius's cat and he LOVES his kitty. It sounds familiar if you think about it for a while. And I'm glad you like my story

I just wanted to respond to that one cause, uh…it was cool.

Oh and SkipperPrivate: I'm glad you like my character descriptions!

See I like it when people tell me what they like and dislike specifically, so I can know what I am doing right (or wrong). I like to hear all my reviewer's opinions.

Any ways, here are the shorts…

Jiggles~~

"Kowalski, what the heck is that damn cat doing in the house?" Skipper demanded at the genius. Kowalski scowled a little, cuddling the kitten close to his body. "The cat comes with me," He simply stated, much to Skipper's annoyance. "I asked why the cat is in my house, not why it's here!" He growled, waving his finger in Kowalski's face, which just pushed it away with his left hand. Luckily, Private, unfazed by the two's bickering, came into the living room at just the right time. "Private!" Kowalski grabbed his arm, and Skipper cocked an eyebrow at the action. "Kowalski, how could the Private possibly help in this situation?" Said boy nodded in agreement. Kowalski seemed to be thinking for a second, before randomly taking out some costume cat ears and placing them on Private's head, who stood dumbstruck at the action. Skipper was confused. "See, Skipper, you're such a hypocrite, lecturing me for housing a kitten in your home," Kowalski explained, with a cheeky grin and pointed to Private, "When you already have one." Private glanced at his guardian in curiosity, puzzled about what Kowalski was saying. It took a moment for Skipper to catch on, but when he did, he was not amused. Private face palmed, also realizing what Kowalski meant, blushing lightly in embarrassment. Skipper stormed away to his bedroom and slammed the door with what Kowalski thought was a dark blush on his face, muttering curses to Kowalski under his breath. "Fine, keep the damn cat," Was all Kowalski heard.

(Btw this was not Pripper: P)

The ultimate weapon~~

"Rico, weapon of destruction," Skipper ordered evilly, holding out his hand as Rico took out the 'weapon of destruction'. Skipper was about to lunge, but got interrupted by a certain annoying laugh. "That's your weapon of destruction?" Said annoying person laughed. "RINGTAIL!" Skipper screamed in anger, exactly how he does it every time King Julian was in the same room as him. "You Weirdo, that's a pillow!" King Julian started laughing again. "Ha-ha, you are so-"but was quickly cut off by a certain soft item thrown at his face.

~~~I'm in charge~~~

"Skipper, can I have some candy-" "No."

"Hey, Skipper, I'm performing a new experiment and-" "Kowalski go do your geek-talk somewhere else."

"RICO STOP TRYING TO BURN DOWN THE HOUSE!"

"Private, stop eating candy before dinner. Kowalski, stop burning the food…God, why do you suck so much at cooking? Hey, why are you putting the purple stuff on the steak…"

"Sor'y…" "Rico why are you…Oh shit…"

BOOM! KABOOM! "AHHH MY CAR!"

"Yeah, that is my daily life."

"So…Can I have some candy now?"

"What do you think, Private?"

"Yes! Skipper's letting me have canddddyyyyy! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D"

*face palm*

(It's like they are all kids and Skippers the dad, ha-ha)

I always thought the team would have those kinds of days where no one would just follow Skippy's instructions…Lol. Anyways I hope yall are enjoying meh story so far….Other people, please just review.


	4. Chapter 4 Meeting Drabbles :)

Random Meetings

(These are drabbles that I 'drabbled' during school)

Sorry AlwaysRemainMe, I'll write that chapter soon

Alright Kowalski…Disclaimer Please.

Kowalski: Cat lover will never own PoM. Ever.

Cat Lover: Hey! You could have at least left me a glimmer of hope!

Kowalski: *sarcastically* that's so cute.

Cat Lover: *rolls eyes* whatever, even if he is right.

~~~Mingling with Neighbors

A small, child's face caught the brunette's attention as it barely peeked out from behind Skipper's arm. Marlene cocked her head curiously and bent down a little to his level. "Now, who are you?" She asked gently. The boy just hid into Skipper, and avoided Marlene's gaze. When she didn't get an answer, the young woman looked up at Skipper, who just sighed. "He's an orphan, I saved him off the streets years ago," He explained, smiling, like it was a happy memory for him. Marlene nodded, and smiled too, at the frightened boy. "Is that so? Then what is your name?" She murmured. The boy hid more of his face behind Skipper's arm, so only one big blue eye was visible. "Pri…Pri…" He squeaked before staring at the floor in shame. "My team calls him Private. He didn't have name, so Private just kind of stuck." Skipper explained. He looks tired, Marlene noted. She stood up and shook her neighbor's hand. "Well nice to meet you Skipper," She commented, and said to his adopted son, "And you Private." "I hope you enjoy it here," Skipper told her, forcing a small smile as Private nodded and smiled shyly at the woman. Marlene watched them go inside, and hearing the door lock, she left with a bit of a happy bounce in her step.

~~~Still need my 12 year old kid to remind me to use my manners around pretty girls

"My team and I are from a small city in a small snowy country in Europe. Where exactly, is of course, classified for civilians like you." Marlene scowled. These new neighbors weren't the nicest of people she had known. "So what exactly do you do?" She asked with a little distaste, putting a hand on her hip. Might as well give them the benefit of the doubt, she thought. Skipper smirked. "Classified," He said slowly, as if determined to annoy the girl. Private, a young 12 year old boy part of Skipper's team, pulled on his guardian's sleeve with a nervous frown, wanting his attention. Skipper leaned down so Private could whisper something in his ear. Marlene watched curiously as Skipper rolled his eyes and frowned at her. "Fine, my name is Skipper, I hate personal questions and it's nice to meet you," He grumbled, glaring at the floor with pink cheeks. Private smiled encouragingly at them. Marlene smirked at Skipper and said, "Nice to meet you too. I'm sure it'll be a pleasure having you as a neighbor." Skipper was surprised, as her voice didn't sound as sarcastic as he would of thought, and he gave her a thankful smile. "Though, it's still a little funny you need your son to remind you to use your manners," She teased, with a stifled giggle. Skipper groaned. He was not having a good day.

~~I feel like a teenager

"Rico, I'm not buying it," Skipper groaned out, pinching the bridge of his nose. Rico attempted puppy dog eyes, which looked rather scary actually. In fact, Skipper almost bought him the candy. But a run-in with a rather cute woman had made his emotions run out of loop and Skipper could absolutely not get her out of his head. Even so, he still had his sense to remember not to buy Rico sugar. Actually, pretty anyone would have the sense to not buy Rico candy. What Skipper didn't remember was that Rico spent 4 years of his life as a highly skilled pickpocket. No wonder he never could find his wallet.

/

AN:

Hi! Sorry I haven't updated in a while. It's all just a bit overwhelming. Btw if you want me to write more 'drabbles' of a certain 'drabble' just review or pm me, okies?

Please review! =D


	5. Chapter 5 Bye bye Good morning

**I'm really sorry….But this chapter is dedicated to all my amazing reviewers, especially, GreenShai ~ For the idea and support~**

Skipper was having a good morning. Kowalski was busy running errands, so no giant, miscalculated explosions or burnt eggs and bacon. It was Rico's day off, so Skipper wouldn't be surprised if he was gone for the entire day. Private was doing whatever kids usually do his age, but luckily he was doing it in his room.

Skipper was having a good morning….and then _he _showed up.

The man burst through the locked door, avoiding all the security measures, and didn't stop walking till he stood tall and proud in front of Skipper. And man, was he tall.

Skipper stood pale, with his mouth hanging open, like he just seen a ghost. _Maybe I did…_

And the man, held his hand out with a cheerful smile. "Nice to meet you," He greeted. "My names Nigel. I'm here to private."

And at that moment, Private ran into the living room like a ball of energy, and jumped on the said uncle Nigel and they both went tumbling to the floor.

Skipper sighs. There were 4 things he could do right now: A, Introduce himself and let the man stay, B, kick him out and risk private crying for the next 100 hours (what am I thinking? Of course he will!), C, be friendly and politely ask him to leave, or D…He didn't come up a D yet.

Uncle Nigel said hello to Private and they both got up from there tangled mess on the floor. Private introduced the two men to each other. Skipper crossed his arms, a slight glare marking his features.

"How nice of you to drop by…"Skipper gritted his teeth, forcing out a scary smile.

Uncle Nigel just smiled bigger. "Couldn't be happier to!" The tall, lanky man dragged his suitcases across the floor, and scowled when he saw the living room. "That's your furniture?" He cried out in disbelief.

Skipper sighed. He wasn't in the mood to deal with this crap. "What's wrong with it?" He asked.

Uncle Nigel turned away from the monstrosity and continued following skipper to the guest room, the cheerful smile returning to his lips. "I'll just fix it later."

Skipper was having a good morning.

_**WILL BE CONTINUED NEXT CHAPTER! THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT! **_


	6. Chapter 6 Valentines Day Special

Hello everybody! sorry for the constant delay on chapter..SO i decided to finally roll up my sleeves and write an apology gift for you all! Happy Late Valentines Day!

First Couple:

Skipper and Marlene (well...the most reasonable one right?)

"Skipper...is a gentleman..." The brunette woman repeated to herself for what seemed like the thousandth time, chocolate eyes down casted in worry. She took a shaky breath, and brushed a few strands of shoulder length caramel brown hair behind her ear, and began to tug nervously at her white sweater, layered neatly over a peach sweater and a tan peasant skirt, with a nice pair of sandals to match. She blushed, embarrassed at herself for making a big deal out of such a small outing. Cause it was NOT a date!

Building her courage, the brunette took another breath, before knocking a little too harshly on the dark wood door. Her neighbor, whom she knew almost TOO well, hated the loud, noisy sound of door bells. Always on guard, she would suppose.

"Or maybe too used to emergency drills," She giggled quietly.

The door was opened abruptly, and she took a surprised step back, but immediately relaxed at the sight of her friend, and neighbor...and for today..

Her_ lunch date._

She mentally groaned, and grimaced, her friend raising a questionable eyebrow.

"Something the matter Marlene?" Skipper asked, leaning his shoulder against the door frame, his eyebrows furrowed in suppressed worry, even as Marlene shook her head.

Her eyes, a bit wide, glanced over the outfit adorning her quite muscular and good-looking friend. A dress shirt casually untucked over a pair of classy black pants and black shoes. Nothing unusual for him, but damn did he look handsome...Marlene turned away, hiding her blush with her sleeve, but Skipper had caught it, a smirk growing on his face.

"Well, we should start heading, right?" He took her arm, smiling at her kindly.

Marlene blushed more. "Y-yeah."

They walked to a quaint little restaurant, making light chit chat along the way. The brunette woman, already knowing the answer to most of his questions, attempted to skirt around the usual response, but to know avail. And to make it worse, he seemed to be ENJOYING it.

"Classified," He droned, in a voice a soaked in arrogance, a smirk staring mockingly down at her.

She was inches away from kicking him in a spot NO MAN would like to be kicked, but their arrival to the restaurant postponed her SO NOT sexual urges for later.

Marlene cringed at the thought of something so...disgusting, perse.

Skipper told the concierge his name, the woman giving him a quite suggestive smile, making Marlene's blood boil. Not that she was jealous or anything. Because that would be ridiculous...for her to...

_Love..._

_SKipper.._

She wanted to laugh at the thought...Like she always had.

But this time, as she stared at her neighbor and old friend, the thought made her heart quicken, and she feared he would hear.

What was wrong with her?

Blood rushed to her face, when Skipper took her hand, leading her to a private table in the back.

Why...was this happening?

He pulled a chair out for her, which she accepted with a gracious (yet forced) smile.

Skipper raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment at the brunette woman's odd behavior, and pushed in her chair before taking a seat in his own across from her.

Marlene fidgeted at the tense silence, focusing on the brightly lit candle instead. When Skipper asked her out to lunch, she didn't know his true intentions, only thinking it was simple outing between friends.

It was only now...

THat she realized the date.

Skipper, noticing her uneasiness, shot her a reassuring smile. "Loosen up, Marlene, the food here is good, and don't worry bout the cost, I have it covered," He explained with a wink.

The brunette shivered. SHe did not want to know what that meant.

Upset by his lack of outcome to cheer the nervous woman, Skipper leaned back in his chair, arms folded across his chest.

Marlene fidgeted more under his burning blue eyes, uncomfortable and slightly annoyed by the look he was giving her.

The waiter came, and Marlene relaxed, seeing it was a man. She ordered an ice tea, Skipper ordered a coffee (nothing unusual there, Marlene thought grimly). As soon as the man left, Skipper moved his elbows on to the table, hand clasped together as he stared at her intently. "Marlene." She looked up, hesitantly. "I am the world's best interrogator, and you still think you can hide your emotions from me?"

She paled, quickly looking down. "I-it's complicated," She stuttered out, and Skipper responded with a firm, "How?"

Marlene, now filled with sudden confidence, lifted up her gaze to meet his.

"Tell me. What..." She shook her head, changing the question, "why did you ask me out to lunch?"

Skipper did not look put off by the sudden question. In fact, he was suspecting it. "Because..." He paused, to think of an answer. "Maybe its because I...Love you." Clicking his tongue, he shot a satisfied smirk at her widening eyes.

"Skipper...You..." Her body began to tremble, her head bowed, Skipper feared she was about to cry.

What happened next he did not expect.

Marlene lept up, her eyes stinging with tears, and lift up her water-glass. With a flick of her wrist, Skipper was drenched in water seconds later.

"Bastard!"

His eyes were wide.

She dropped her glass, letting the glass shatter to the ground.

"M-mar..marle-"

He was cut off by cherry coated lips pressed against his own.

"Happy Valentines Day, Skipper." She pulls away and says, smirking cheekily.

Skipper smiled back, genuinely, and kisses her roughly.

End~

Well...I think it turned out alright?


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